20060315
tired of everything // feeling: 
Am I alright? I dont know at all.
I'm still lost, i really have no idea of what to do. Generation gap? I only meant her well, i wanted to lessen her burden, so what did i get in the end? Me being insensitive, me showing off im rich? In the first place, am i rich? How can a person with less than $130 salary a month be rich? How can a person who is not thrifty be rich?
There is no freedom at all. I cannot buy things, because i have to care about someone's feelings when i buy things, or i will make her unhappy. I thought that is the freedom that everyone should have. Now, i no longer can buy things whenever i like, and when i do, i must hide. Where's the freedom a 18 year old girl should have? Yes, that should be the way if i am still a primary school kid, but hey, i am not now.
I always thought that buying things for others is a nice thing to do. I dont mind at all. However, the reply i got is that i hurt her pride. When i suggested i pay full amount for the present which is $90 for my mother as she is broke and i think that should lessen her burden, im being said hurting her pride as well. I am said being insensitive for suggesting buying such expensive present for my mum. The only thing im thinking that time was, to buy an useful present, so it wouldnt be a waste of money. Alright, im wrong to think that way. Im so confused and lost. i really have no idea of what to do. All my good intentions are being said as insensitivity. Maybe, this is what it means, 好人没好报. One shouldnt be too nice, never be too nice.
I dont mind at all without changing a laptop, if that is the cause of all the unhappiness. But in the first place, i am not the one insisting/suggesting changing my laptop, which is 8 months old. My uncle intends to buy a laptop ages ago, and now, my dad suggested to my uncle that he takes my laptop and i take the new one, as the new specifications are much better, and it aids in my education. My uncle agrees, for he understands that he does not need a laptop that are too good as he only uses simple programs like IE, Microsoft Office, MSN and IRC, while me, i need it for my animation and video editing. It will help me in doing my assignments. I cannot believe that unhappiness is caused, as i supposed she knows that the importance of having a fast comp for video editing and animation. I thought she understands. Well, fine then, i dont take the new one, i dont mind at all. Mine is working well, it is fast enough for video editing. Not fast enough for animation? Sure, i will stay back in school like her friend. That's even better. I dont have to go home early, i may be happier this way.
Im trying to escape now. Like today, i am so reluctant to go home. I rather wander around with someone who understands me beside me. All the problems and unhappiness surface when i just step to somewhere near my house. I dont want to face it, because i still dunno where i am wrong at. I just feel like crying and take a knife and kill myself. Yep, im not strong. Go ahead and look down on me. Im tired of such jealousy issues. Im tired of caring about someone who doesnt even feel it. Im tired of everything. Oh well, it is not the first time anyway.
So in conclusion, i must be sensitive, stop buying things, stop being nice.
Maybe to what i had said, the only reply i get is... u still dont understand.
3/15/2006 08:37:00 PM
Claire
